Call of Duty Black Ops II
is split between two time zones: the 1970s-1980s and, excitingly, 2025.
2025, for the maths flunkers among you, is 13 years from now, which is a long time or not a long time, depending on how you look at it. If you consider the seemingly inexorable quickening of the passing of time, for instance, 13 years feels like nothing more than an instant. But, if you look back 13 years, not only do you reach a whole nother millenium, you find a fresh-faced 19-year-old girl called Christina Aguilera top of the charts, way before she realised being "dirrrrrrrrrty" was good for sales, John Terry preparing to go on loan to Nottingham Forest in order to gain some first team experience, and the rest of us preparing to kiss our sorry asses goodbye because our cumbersome desktop computers are going to have their tiny floppy-disc minds blown by the number 2000.
But where will we be in 13 years time? Sure, Black Ops II shows us that China and USA will be going head to head in a world-changing Cold War defined by robotics, cyberwarfare, unmanned vehicles and other futuristic technology, but what about the important stuff - who will win X Factor
2025 AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL ANYBODY HAVE INVENTED GUITARS THAT DOGS CAN PLAY?
One Direction, now frighteningly close to puberty, are no longer the chart-topping flop-haired heartbreakers they were back in 2012. Things went well for the five identikit popsters for a while, until they were beaten at their own game by No Direction - a supergroup of lads so cute they make hamsters wearing mittens look like the Elephant Man.
Formed of ASBO-laden tearaways, with no hope of employment, Simon Cowell saw the potential for something huge, checked that each member had a suitably tragic sob story, and thus, chart-topping cougar-bait No Direction was born.
Speaking of Simon Cowell, the flat-haired everything mogul has moved on to bigger and better things. After the coalition failed, Britain was crying out for a new leader. Simon Cowell launched a show to audition potential prime ministerial candidates through a series of endlessly embarrassing auditions, and recruited famous individuals from all over the world to take part. After whittling down the millions of entrants to a final five of the Queen, Heston Blumenthal, the Pope, that guy who does the M&S voice over and Nick Knowles, Cowell sent them all away for "not wanting it enough", before, in a twist that literally no one (read: everyone) expected, bringing them all back to form a world-commanding supergroup, fronted by himself, of course.
In October 2025's big release, Liam Neeson returns for Taken 47
. Admirable in their refusal to accept logic or defeat, the scriptwriters continue to strive to find new things to be 'taken', but will have their work cut out to match the blockbuster masterpieces, including:
- Taken 7
, in which Liam's second car was stolen ("It actually worked out quite well, to be honest - the brake discs needed replacing and the insurance company paid out very promptly");
- Taken 23
, which saw Liam's place in the queue at his local fish 'n' chip shop taken ("It was a tiny bit annoying, yeah, but I wasn't in a rush, so it was no biggie); and,
- Taken 38
, in which nothing was taken but Liam enjoyed a particularly frenetic game of fast-paced beat 'em up Tekken
after a move back to Northern Ireland caused communication difficulties.
After an ill-advised experiment that saw them putting their logo on oranges and trying to sell them for £500 a pop, Apple have reverted back to what they're good at and are about to launch the much-awaited iPhone 18. We've managed to get our hands on an advanced version, and we can tell you that it's UN-BE-LIEVABLE. It's got... so much good... stuff. It can... do loads of, y'know, things. It's better than... some other stuff that's not as good. It's... it's... well, a lot like the iPhone 5, really, but the screen's a bit brighter, we think.
Ryan Giggs, now 51, is still plying his trade for Manchester United, despite having to have his body cryogenically frozen immediately after each match, and defrosted at room temperature for 24 hours before kick off. His former teammate Wayne Rooney, meanwhile, has long since retired, and now makes a living from lucrative L'Oreal adverts, designed to showcase his flowing Rapunzel-esque locks. Their former boss, Sir Alex Ferguson, was forced (literally) to retire in 2017, leading to upsetting scenes as security staff dragged him from Old Trafford while he pointed at his watch, insisting there was "At least another six minutes left here".
FIFA continue to deliberate over the use of goal-line technology, but are expected to make a decision shortly after the [Insert name of country that doesn't exist yet but will discover loads of oil in the next decade or so] World Cup 2026 is ruined by a spate of shocking refereeing decisions.
2025 is going to be a pretty scary place to live. We can handle it, though. Just let there by COD
. Please, let there be COD